Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
