thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
