You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
