i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
