I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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