I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
