stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
