I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
