Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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