someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
