his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Randomize