Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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