I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
