normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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