____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
