I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
