I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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