I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
