Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
