Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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