I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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