Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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