i just sent this text using only my big toe
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
porn star boner night. come get it.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
