I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
