I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
