i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
