i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
