some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
