Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
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