i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
