Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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