He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
