I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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