Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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