he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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