how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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