He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
