Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
