if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
