i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
