just come out here and I will go home with you...
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She told me I should be a condom model.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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