using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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