Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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