Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
