I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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