hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
