Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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