that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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