Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
