I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
