Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
